The Light Murder Club
by superstarultra
Summary: What's a group of psychotic murderers, hundred-year old lolis, and sadistic teens to do when they get bored of killing? Why, start a band of course! But is the gang ready for the music industry? Or is it the other way around? T because it's Higurashi!


**Disclaimer: I don't own Higurashi, Uminkeo, or anything else.**

**A/N: I discovered Higurashi through YouTube and found myself deeply interested in its story and characters. I was also somewhat inspired by the Higurashi Parody Fandub created Nyodude (now ZeroQDimension now). They are fucking hilarious and I highly recommend watching them.**

**Anyways, the inspiration for this came from... I don't know exactly. It's only two chapters because I had a lot of jokes stored up. **

**I just hope you enjoy this, my friends.**

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**It was a lovely day in the town of Hinamizawa. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and nobody was getting slaughtered like a stuffed pig. It was one of those days where everyone felt great to be alive.

But the feeling never lasts that long, now does it?

Keiichi, Rena, Mion, Shion, Satoko, Satoshi, Rika, and Hanyuu were all gathered at Keiichi's house deciding how they were going to pass the time. Why they weren't at school is a mystery to me.

Keiichi yawned and surveyed the scene in his living room. All of his female friends were gathered around various parts of the room doing their own thing. Mion and Shion were reading a novel together, Rena was admiring the hair clip she found at the dump, while Rika and Hanyuu were playing rock-paper-scissors with Satoko as referee. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Or a cicada burp.

"I'm soooooo BOOORRRED!" moaned Keiichi, attracting everyone's attention.

"Well..." started Rena, "we could play a card game together!"

"Nah, I'm sick of cards," the boy retorted.

"How about a penalty game then?" both Sonazki twins responded simultaneously, gleams in their eyes, and grins on their faces.

"We've already worn all the costumes already."

"We could do a puzzle together? said Satoko with a mischievous smile.

"I said something _interesting_."

"Today's a good day for a walk to the shrine," spoke Rika

"We walked past it on the way here," answered Keiichi, worrying there wouldn't be anything fun to do today.

Cupping her chin in her hand, Hanyuu tried to come up with something they could do. Anything. It was then that Hanyuu came up with the single greatest idea ever.

"I know! We could all have an orgy in the woods!" yelled Hanyuu. This caused everyone to slowly face the horned-girl.

"Ah, come on, Hanyuu!" whined Keiichi. "We've already done that five times already this week! My lower body is so numb, it's a miracle I can walk at all!"

"And the sad part is that it's only Tuesday," mused Rika, lazily cupping her chin in one hand.

Wow. The author admits to everyone (including himself) that he didn't see that part coming. It seemed that the group would just have to resolve to another murder arc to keep things fresh.

Before somebody could disembowel anyone to set up a question arc, Mion said, "Well, gee, Keiichi, we're all trying to band together to come up with something fun to do and you-"

Keiichi suddenly sprung up from the floor with a determined look in his eyes. "MION! That is the most brilliant idea you've ever had!"

Mion brushed some hair out of her face. "Well, of course my idea was brilliant, Keiichi. All of my ideas are. But could you run it by me again? ...Just to see if you were listening of course."

"A band! We'll start a band! This sleepy town in the boondocks needs to liven up a little! And what better way to do that, then with music?" Keiichi said with a charismatic smile, usually reversed for central male protagonists such as himself.

"A band? What a great idea, sis! Now I can channel my destructive murderous tendencies into music!" cheered Shion.

"Why, thank you," smiled Mion, drinking in the praise she stole.

"Whatever my bloody flower likes, I like it, too!" grinned Satoshi like an idiot. He'd have to be, to be dating a sadistic, bondage-loving, psychopath.

"Rena likes music!" squealed Rena in her annoyingly, cute, third-person way. Then again, Rena liked EVERYTHING.

"Eh. I don't really like music," said Satoko. No one noticed or heard her, because the small blond was fucking annoying.

"Count me in!" shouted Hanyuu. "Who said minor gods can't enjoy music?"

"And we have some old instruments housed in the Furude shrine that we can use!" chirped Rika.

"Then it is settled. Today... WE START A BAND!" screamed Keiichi.

"HOORAY!" screamed everyone else, along with an unenthusiastic Satoko.

And so it was settled that the group of children and teens would form a band.

The world trembled.

**Ten Minutes Later...**

The gang headed to the shrine and after pawing through various artifacts, cursed relicts, and torture-devices, found the items needed to make music. There were guitars, drums, mikes, flutes, cymbals, violins, flutes, harps, and you name it. Anything that could make a musical sound was here.

"Wow! Rika, how did your family get all this stuff?" asked Keiichi.

Rika smiled brightly. "Back in the old days, my family had a strong dislike for musicians. We'd butcher any that came through here and took their stuff! Nipah~!"

"...Cool. Let's take what we need."

"Ummmmm, Keiichi? What are we going to call our band?" Rena asked, twiddling her fingers together. Everyone blinked and then proceeded to stare at Keiichi. The excitement of forming a band had overwhelmed their decision to come up with a decent name for themselves first. Keiichi thought for a few seconds and then said:

"Keiichi and the Killer Lolis!" he announced with grandeur.

Rika, Hanyuu, and even Satoko smiled; they liked that name a lot. Rena, Shion, Mion, and Satoshi didn't.

"That would be a fine name if we were _all _lolis..." brought up Shion, narrowing her eyes.

"That, and I'm a dude," Satoshi chirped with a frown.

"Well, I think it's a brilliant name," Rika argued.

"We need a better name! And I have just the one!" Mion proclaimed proudly.

Satoko raised a blond eyebrow. "Oh? And just what name would you have in mind?"

Mion grabbed her sister by the arm and struck a pose usually seen in mecha animes. "LEAN, GREEN, MURDERIN' MACHINES!"

"That I like," Shion said happily with a thumbs-up. Keiichi rolled his eyes, Rika sighed, Satoko grumbled, and Hanyuu just wondered when they could start playing something.

"Nuh-uh! I have a much better idea for a band name!" Rena broke in.

"Can't be any worse than that crappy green idea," muttered Keiichi, much to the anger of Mion and Shion. "What is it, Rena?"

Rena giggled cutely, took in a deep breath, and roared at the top of her lungs...

"Omochikaeri-GASM!"

The silence that followed that statement was so huge and all-consuming that it decided to leave and attend Jenny-Craig for a while.

"Well? Isn't it just kawaii?" Rena asked eagerly to her weirded-out pals.

Keiichi coughed politely. "Well, Rena... I think your idea is just a little-"

"It sucks," Rika said in her scary-ass deep voice.

Rena got teary-eyed and looked like she was going to explode and get gooey, moe, yandere chunks everywhere, but swallowed her sadness down. She'd get her revenge on the blue midget sooner or later. She had to sleep sometime...

Tired of her lack of dialogue, Hanyuu decided to vouch her idea for a name. "I got an idea. Why don't we name our band after one of the greats? And we could pay homage to them by following their styles or something?"

Everyone seemed to think that was a great idea. Just one detail though.

"What band did you have in mind, Hanyuu?" Rika asked her ghostly friend.

"Ummmmm, that one that named itself after an animal. Something with six legs and a hard shell, I think," Hanyuu said after scratching her chin in thought.

Satoshi beamed. "Great idea! We'll be... THE CRABS!"

Silence paid the multicolor-headed group another visit.

"Satoshi, you may be a stallion in the sack, but you're as dumb as a rock," Shion said after an epic facepalm.

"Whatever you say, my sweetie-pie," Satoshi replied to his deranged lover dumbly.

"I think we outta call ourselves something like... _The Cicadas_," Satoko said. "It'll be a homage to our town."

"Satoko, for once, you have actually proven useful to our plans!" Keiichi exclaimed, while the trap-maker huffed in annoyance.

"Cicadas are cute~!" Rena gushed.

"Sounds cool," Mion agreed. "Cicadas it is then."

Everyone else murmured their words of agreement. They all put their hands together in a circle.

"For fame!" shouted Keiichi.

"For cute merchandise!" shouted Rena.

"For freedom of expression!" shouted Mion.

"For selling my biography of behind the music scenes to a big publishing company after we fail!" shouted Satoko.

"For metal and RAWK!" shouted Shion.

"For whatever Shion said!" shouted Satoshi.

"For using our music to reach the lost souls who have meandered off the path to righteousness!" shouted Hanyuu.

"And for tons of hot underage ass!" Rika cheered.

"YEEEEAAAAH!"

So the kids decided to become The Cicadas. Oh, heaven, help us all in this time of crisis.

Anyways...

Now it was time to grab their instruments and pick a brand of music to play. But as the set about grabbing every instrument they could grab, the teens realized a _slightly _crucial.

"Who here has ever sung, been in a band, or used an instrument before?" Keiichi asked.

No one answered.

"...Crap."

"I played a Kazoo before," Rika piped up. Not exactly reassuring words to hear.

"What music ARE we going to play anyways?" Mion wondered out loud. "We never talked about that."

"I suggest Death Metal! YEAH!" Shion yelled with a fist-pump that struck Satoshi square in the jaw, knocking him out cold.

"Nuh-uh. Classic Metal is where it's at," Mion countered.

"No. It was my idea so I say we do Punk Rock!" Keiichi interjected.

"Your idea?" Mion laughed.

"J-POP!" Rena screeched.

Satoko shook her head. "Those ideas stink! Country is where it's at."

"I've lived in the country ever since I was created. I say we do the best song there is!" Hanyuu said.

Rika tilted her head to the side. "Really? What's that?"

"POLKAAAA!"

Everyone adopted the deer in the headlights looks as they stared at the lavender-headed deity.

"Ah. You all seemed surprised. Impressed by my genius?" Hanyuu asked confidently.

"No, Hanyuu. We're dumbfounded by your stupidity," Rika deadpanned.

"Auuuuu~..."

"Let's just pick something. We'll learn as we go along," Keiichi said, hand-waving the situation. "How tough can putting a band together be in the long run?"

The gang decided to try the rap idea first, because they found the idea inventive and unique, and because Rika threatened to anally-rape them all with a wooden rake if they didn't agree on _something_. They used the shrine steps outside as a stage and step up some speaker, along with a makeshift curtain. A small crowd gathered to watch as Rika strutted out from behind it, dressed in pants too big for her to wear, a white tank-top, a backwards black baseball cap, a golden chain necklace with a spinning clock in the middle, and giant sneakers.

"Yo, yo, yo! Rika da Rappa and Tah Cicadaz are in tah hiz howse! Fo' shizzle mah nizzle! Nipah, motherfuckas~!" Rika hollered, forming a peace sign with her left hand.

There was only the sound of cicadas and crickets chirping.

The concert debut began. To add to the beat, DJ Mion and DJ Shion mixed and scratched the records (in matching shades and black berets, thank you very much!) for that cool sound-effect. But Shion went too far and began to literally slash and hack away at the records with her twin knives, maniacal glee on her face. As Mion tried to restrain her twin, Keiichi and Rena attempted to act as back-up break-dancers and danced on pieces of cut-out cardboard. Unfortunately, Rena stumbled over after her epic hat flew off right after Keiichi kicked it off, causing him to have his coordination thrown off, and trip into a speaker that almost crushed Satoko, who holding the rope operating the main light. The spotlight fell down, KOing the now-solid Hanyuu, who was holding Rika's cue-cards by mistake.

And in case you were wondering, Rika's lyrics went something like this:

"Yo, yo, yo, go to school, get educated! Yo, yo, yo, but instead I get eviscerated! Gettin' nicked with a knife and tazer blasted... DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS TIME-WARP HAS LASTED!"

In an effort to save the concert from being a total flop, Satoshi ran towards the audience, in the attempt of having them catch him, so that he could be passed around.

That usually does it... Unless your audience consists of two seven-year olds, an elderly woman, a pedophile doctor, and a blind man.

Back to the drawing board...

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**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this. Maybe I'll make a serious Higurashi fic someday.**

**Maybe.**

**The next chapter will be up... when I get it done someday! What will the gang try next? **

**In the meantime, please review and favorite. Thanks! **


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